


To Be Real

by DisguisedasInnocent



Category: Skins (UK)
Genre: F/F, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-22
Updated: 2018-07-22
Packaged: 2019-06-14 13:50:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 699
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15390120
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DisguisedasInnocent/pseuds/DisguisedasInnocent
Summary: Emily Fitch has lived for seventeen years in the shadow of her twin sister, expected to be the same as Katie, to have the same wants and desires, but she doesn't. No, what Emily Fitchdesiresis drastically different from what Katie Fitch desires, and the first person to make Emily feel like her desires are normal is Naomi Campbell with two simple words.





	To Be Real

**Author's Note:**

> Warning(s): Mentioned possible self-harming tendencies/suicidal thoughts.
> 
> I read a story a while ago, by an author whose name I cannot remember, which made me think about the lake in a very different way. It made me think about all the pressures and conflicts that Emily must have felt growing up in the Fitch household, and just how little privacy she had to express herself.

“I’d come here,” Emily began, “whenever it got hard.”

“To the lake?” Naomi asked with a quirk of her eyebrow.

“Yes.” The red-haired girl nodded slowly. “This is, or was, my private little place. Whenever home felt like it wasn’t _home_ any more I’d come here.”

Naomi nodded, and her eyes glanced sideways at the profile of Emily’s face for a moment before flickering back to the still water of the lake. “It’s peaceful.” 

“It is.” Emily agreed softly. “No matter what happened back home, I always knew I could come here, and it would be quiet. My house isn’t _quiet_ very often.”

“Neither’s mine.” Naomi chuckled as she tipped her head back to look up at the soft orange sunset. “There are at least ten random people at all times—Mum’s a bit of a bleeding heart.”

“She’s kind.” Emily murmured. “I think that’s brave.”

“Probably.” Naomi admitted with a small shrug of her shoulders. “I think you’re brave.”

“I’m not.” Emily muttered, a small grimace etched onto her lips, as she kicked her feet in the water. “You know where’s the quietest in this place?”

“Um…” Naomi frowned and twisted her head to look around the lake. The blonde-haired girl’s eyes landed on a small clearing a handful of feet off to the edge of the lake, beside a small waterfall that trickled into the lake, hidden amongst the trees. “There.” 

Emily followed the direction of Naomi’s extended hand to the small clearing and nodded her head slowly. “Almost,” she murmured before she pointed at the lake itself. “Under there.” 

“Under?” Naomi’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “Under the water?”

“Yes.” Emily nodded. “I… Whenever _they_ get too loud I come here, and I… I jump in.” 

“Oh.” Naomi swallowed hard. “You jump in?”

“I go under.” Emily whispered. “I let the water wash over my head, and… I sink.”

“Do you…” Naomi paused and reached out to curl her fingers around Emily’s nearest hand. “Does it help?”

“Sometimes,” Emily admitted. “It builds up, you know, the noise.”

“The noise?” Naomi asked softly as she squeezed Emily’s hand.

“Mum’s expectations—be more like Katie, get a boyfriend, be _normal_.” Emily chuckled wetly as a small lone tear trickled down her cheek. “Katie’s demands—do this, wear that, go here, kiss _him_. Dad’s dreams—boyfriend, _husband_ , baby, the white picket fence marriage. They all expect me to be _normal_ and… I like girls.” 

Naomi brushed her thumb over the back of Emily’s knuckles reassuringly—encouragingly—at the sound of Emily’s admission. “See,” she murmured, “that’s why you’re _brave_.” 

“Whenever I can’t think any more I come here.” Emily continued. “I jump in, and I let the water engulf me. Then… Then I stay under.”

“Oh.” Naomi felt her heart lurch at the tremble in Emily’s voice.

“I stay under until my chest burns.” Emily said as she tipped her head back to look up at the sky. “Until my lungs are on fire, and sometimes, sometimes, I think about how easy it would be to open my mouth and… Then, I surface.”

“Oh.” Naomi swallowed. “Are you…”

“Suicidal?” Emily turned her head and cocked her eyebrow questioningly. “No? Maybe? Sometimes, but most of the time… No, I’m not.”

“I didn’t… I’m sorry.” Naomi whispered.

“It’s OK.” Emily said with a slight lift of her shoulders. “You… You said something once that made me feel real, like, what I am isn’t bad or _abnormal_.”

“What did I say?” Naomi asked tentatively.

“’You’re gay’.” Emily chuckled. “Just, ‘You’re gay’, but the way you said it? Like, it was just a thing, not a bad thing, not a good thing, just something that I am. It… It made it feel real, and normal, and… I needed that.” 

“Oh.” Naomi swallowed hard. “I’m glad I helped.”

“You do.” Emily smiled softly. “That’s why I wanted to share this place with you. You helped me, and I wanted to help you. This has always been my private place, my peaceful place, and I thought… Maybe you’d like to share it?”

“I…” Naomi blinked in surprise—at Emily’s words, at Emily’s smile, at the way that her heartbeat thumped in her ears. “I’d like that.”


End file.
